A representative from a credit card company called me the other day. He very politely asked for me by name. My first and last name was used. Once I stated he was talking to the person he called, he proceeded to discuss an overdue bill, one that I had already paid. No problem.
Suddenly, I noticed he was referring to me by my first name. Mind you, he had initially introduced himself by his first and last name. Still, he felt comfortable enough to believe we were on such good terms, that he could be familiar with me. I finished the conversation very quickly. When I hung up, I was angry. Just because I owed a bill was no reason for him to automatically call me out of my name. He did not know me at all.
Maybe Im old fashioned, but I do not like a stranger to address me by my first name. I do not know why a person who has never met me, nor even seen me in person, would start a conversation by calling me by my first name. I firmly believe that only certain types of people will do this.
I started to notice this when I first entered the middle management side of business. I originally thought that perhaps it could be a cultural thing. I know for example, that in certain male dominated cultures, a man will refer to a woman by her first name. For the man, he does not have the respect for a woman in the sense that she is not considered his equal. Therefore, he believes he can be socially familiar, even in a business setting.
In the book and TV miniseries Roots, the African slave Kunta Kinte was forced to have his given name changed completely. He was beaten and whipped until he submitted to his new, more Americanized name of Toby. By the stroke of the whip, his culture and familiar heritage was wiped away through his name change.
In the nineteenth century in the United States, a white person did not have to respect any black person at all. Last names were those of the slave master. The first name was also given by the slave master at birth, and recorded in his journal of properties. He named you, and he could call you as he wished. African-Americans were always referred to in the first person (Come here, Bertha), while slaves were required to either Yes, Sir the person, or preferably say, Yes, Sir, Mr. Rhodes.
In the fifties, the comedian Jack Benny and Rochester had a similar understanding of each ones role. Jack called his valet by his first name of Rochester, while Eddie Anderson (his real name) called his employer Mr. Benny. Rochester was allowed to banter insults and make jokes at Jack Benny, as long as he maintained his place in the culture of that era.
Outside of the United States, there are other cultures that historically consider being respectful of a woman as mandatory. In some cultures, such as Japan, age is considered worthy of respect. One would never think of calling a 90-year old woman Sally. She would be referred to by her last name, either prefaced by Miss or Mrs., or at least called Ms. Sally.
In business, it is considered a formality to call a person by his or her last name. Businessmen and women know that the formalities of corporate etiquette are critical in successful business communications. A faux pas in the manner in which one communicates with another at different levels of the corporate hierarchy could keep one from climbing the corporate ladder. Apart from the corporate hierarchy, familiarity in communication is a symbol of status, power, and ones place in the world. There are those who would judge a person who uses first names casually at the same level as a person who murders the English language by saying, for example, the word irregardless, instead of regardless.
Some people can get away with being familiar from the start. Still, even those who have been well brought up will ask for permission. Thats why they are usually leaders. Once introduced, the person is always referred to by the last name until given permission. Oh, you can call me Robert one would say. If you were granted such an honor, it was and is a symbol that you have the respect of the person. Think about employees who automatically call their boss Mr.. Smith, or Boss. Do you remember the first time your boss allowed you to call him (or her) by his/her first name? Remember how everyone else reacted when you referred to your boss by his first name to his face?
I admit that once a person has decided to become familiar with me without my permission, the level of conversation has changed for me. The respect I may choose to give that person may change by what level of respect the person has chosen to give me. By familiarizing him or herself with me, especially in a formal setting, it causes me to believe that the person has already made a decision about how we will work together. I usually find that I am correct. Their subsequent behavior usually follows the pattern of their instant familiarity with me. That is why I will correct them immediately. No sense in encouraging bad behavior from the start.
To me, my first name is a personal point of boundary. It is as personal as my physical space. I believe that when one violates formality, the same if a person were to violate my personal space, that person should be corrected.
I also have a strong pet peeve about others taking my name in vain. My name is Carolyn, not Carol. I only allow my family or people I consider very close friends to call me Carol. My family and very close friends are very aware of this policy. In fact, when they hear someone outside of the family refer to me as Carol, and I do not correct the person, they automatically know the persons status with me.
There are people who do not know they are being rude when they shorten your name. Why should anyone think a person likes having their name shortened, or given a nickname without their permission? If a man always refers to himself as Anthony, one should not automatically refer to him as Tony. That could be a fighting word for all you know. Ask, Do they call you Tony? That would be nice. Ask permission for a change.
Some parents have attempted to circumvent the nickname phenomenon. I know a Chris (not Christine), a Tony (not an Anthony), a Bill (not a William). They have the opposite problem. When Tony, for example, receives correspondence, he usually finds his name as been lengthened to Anthony. As if he did not realize that his name is been abbreviated on purpose.
By the way, I always cringe inside when my family or friends call me Carol. But, allowing that level of familiarity is okay when it comes from family. You know they do so out of love. And they know that you allow the nickname out of love. I can call her something no one else can. So There!
I know there are those of you who think I am making way much too much over this. You probably do not have a name that has been changed into an abbreviation. At least now you are aware that for some of us, familiarity does not breed content, but contempt.
So, the next time, before you try to become prematurely personal with a stranger by calling her Sue or Bev, think, Do I feel lucky today? Or, should I play it safe, and ask permission before I become familiar with this person? You might actually find yourself at a higher level of communication and cooperation if you ask permission first.
Carolyn Gibson, the author of "Urban Poetry", is a writer with many experiences called something other than her given name. She has recorded other strong opinions about life in general, and in her poetry, at her web site - http://www.Carolynscorner.com
